The Movies Lied to us. Love Isn’t Found - It’s Built - Why Real Love is Earned, Co-Created, and Sustained

We Learned Love From Films… Not From Real Life

Movies taught us that when we meet “the one,” we’ll just know. The chemistry will be explosive. The timing will be perfect. There will be fireworks, passion, slow-motion running at airports.

But that’s chemistry — not compatibility.

Chemistry gets you interested.

Compatibility keeps you connected.

Commitment builds the relationship.

And here’s the truth nobody teaches us: Real love doesn’t start with fireworks. It starts with effort.

You don’t fall into love. You grow into it.

Love Is Not Something You Get. It’s Something You Build.

We’ve been conditioned to think of love as something that happens to us. Something automatic. Something owed once we decide we “like” someone.

But real love? Real love is a co-creation. It’s two people choosing each other, choosing growth, choosing communication, choosing repair.

Love requires effort.

Effort requires desire.

Desire requires intention.

Love is:

• consideration,

• consistently showing up,

• taking accountability,

• choosing connection instead of winning.

One person cannot carry a relationship. It must be co-created or it collapses.

Love is earned through care, consistency, and emotional courage.

Love Isn’t 50/50 — Some Days It’s 20/80

Love isn’t all roses, butterflies, or cinematic sweeping soundtracks — real love is sometimes awkward, confronting, and wildly unglamorous. It asks you to grow. It asks you to listen when you’d rather defend. It asks you to stay open when your instinct is to shut down. Love isn’t the absence of challenge; it’s the commitment to move through the challenge together. The difficult moments don’t mean the relationship is failing — they mean it’s real. Because love isn’t found fully formed, it’s earned through choosing each other on the days that feel inconvenient, and through building the emotional resilience to stay when your brain tells you to run. Anyone can enjoy the highs. Perseverance is what deepens the roots.

Psychology backs this: Love may start as a feeling, but long-term relationships are sustained by commitment — roughly 20% love, 80% commitment. Love gets you in the room. Commitment keeps you there.

Not stay no matter what or self-sacrifice commitment, because there are certainly scenarios when leaving a situation is necessary for metal wellbeing and personal growth.

But:

• commitment to understanding,

• commitment to showing up,

• commitment to repairing when things break instead of replacing the person.

Modern Dating: Too Many Options, Not Enough Investment

Dating used to be slower. If you liked someone, you worked at it. You gave it time. You built something gradually. If there was conflict, you didn’t have five backup options waiting on standby — you had one real person in front of you, and you figured it out.

Now?

Dating takes three seconds and a thumb. We don’t date people, we date profiles. We don’t invest, we browse. We don’t work through discomfort, we swipe. We treat people like concepts, not commitments.

If someone says something we don’t like, or we don’t feel instant fireworks, or they use the “wrong” emoji… We run. Not because something is wrong — but because modern dating has made leaving easier than staying.

Abundance of choice doesn’t create stronger relationships. It creates weaker commitment. When there are endless alternatives, why invest in repair? Why sit in discomfort? Why learn emotional resilience? Apps have created a culture where we chase intensity instead of intimacy. We want the cinematic beginning, not the messy middle. But the messy middle is where depth is built. That’s where intimacy forms. That’s where love grows.

Love Isn’t a Reward. It’s a Responsibility.

You don’t get love because you want it. You get love because you show up for it. Love is not gifts, passion, or aesthetics.

Love is:

• Safety, security,

• Emotional presence,

• Being seen fully and staying anyway,

• Choosing each other on the boring Tuesdays.

Infatuation is intensity. Infatuation is: “I want you.”

Love is intimacy. Love is: “I choose you.” It’s not performance, it’s presence.

And Yes — There Will Be Times Someone Doesn’t Think Well of You

Not everyone will like you. Not everyone will approve of your decisions. Not everyone will reciprocate the love or commitment you offer.That doesn’t mean you shrink. That doesn’t mean you chase. That doesn’t mean you become more palatable to earn someone’s affection. It means you ask better questions:

• “Is this someone whose opinion I value?”

• “Did I act within my values?”

Someone not choosing you doesn’t make you unlovable. Sometimes it’s simply misalignment — not failure. If love isn’t mutual, it isn’t love — it’s longing. And longing isn’t a place to live.

The Reality of Love

When love is real, your nervous system relaxes, it’s not supposed to activate your anxiety. Stop chasing the movie moment. Start choosing the person who chooses you. Love isn’t magic. Love is maintenance. It’s earned, not demanded. Co-created, not assumed. Built, not found. The fantasy is fleeting. The building is fulfilling. And the building is where the real intimacy lives.

Love from Fallon, with intention xox

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