Learn to Heal While Hurting in the Space Grief Leaves Behind

Grief is one of those experiences that changes everything — not just how we think or feel, but how our whole body moves through the world. It’s the ache that comes when love has nowhere to go, when a part of our life ends and the rest of us has to learn how to keep going. And while it’s different for everyone, one truth remains: grief is not something to “get over.” It’s something we learn to carry.

How Grief Affects Us — The Quiet Science

Grief isn’t just emotional. It’s physical, chemical, and deeply neurological.

When we lose someone or something important, our brain releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.

These chemicals were designed to help us survive danger — but in grief, they don’t switch off easily. They linger, reshaping sleep, digestion, and the way we process emotion.

You might notice your chest feels tight, your throat constricted, your stomach unsettled, or your limbs heavy. These are all body responses to emotional pain — your nervous system trying to process something it can’t logically solve.

Brain scans show that grief activates the same pain centres as physical injury. That’s why it feels like a wound — because, biologically, it is one.

How Grief Shows Up in the Body

Grief doesn’t just live in the mind — it settles into tissues, muscles, hormones, and breath patterns.

It’s the body’s attempt to absorb something the mind can’t yet make sense of.

The Chest and Heart Area:

That heavy, crushing feeling in your chest isn’t just metaphorical. The vagus nerve — a key player in emotional regulation — runs through the chest, heart, and gut. When you grieve, your nervous system contracts, tightening the muscles around the ribcage. It’s why breathing can feel shallow or effortful. Some even describe “heart pain” or pressure; studies have linked grief to temporary changes in heart rhythm known as Broken Heart Syndrome.

The Throat:

You might feel a lump or constriction when trying to speak about what’s happened — that’s the throat’s protective reflex, a physiological response to emotion rising upward. The same muscles that control swallowing also engage when we hold back tears.

The Gut:

Your digestive system feels grief too. The gut-brain axis means emotional distress alters digestion: slowing it down, tightening muscles, and sometimes causing nausea, bloating, or alternating constipation and diarrhoea. You may lose your appetite completely or crave comfort foods high in sugar or carbs — both are normal stress responses.

The Muscles:

When we’re in grief, we unconsciously tense — shoulders lift, jaws clench, breath shortens. Over time this creates fatigue, stiffness, and soreness, especially around the neck, back, and hips. Movement becomes sluggish because your body’s energy is going toward emotional survival.

The Skin and Immunity:

High cortisol can disrupt hormones and immune balance, which is why some people notice breakouts, dull skin, or frequent colds. It’s not vanity — it’s the body prioritising survival over surface maintenance.

The Brain and Fatigue:

Grief fog is real. Cortisol affects memory and focus, while disrupted sleep cycles leave you mentally drained. It’s like running emotional marathons daily — of course you’re tired.

The Breath:

Breathing patterns shift in grief. Most people start breathing shallowly from the upper chest, keeping oxygen intake low. This shortens the exhale — the part that signals “I’m safe now.” It keeps the body on alert. Breathwork, sighing, or crying can all help restore that release reflex.

When Loss Happens Suddenly

When loss arrives suddenly — with no warning, no chance to say goodbye — the shock sits in both the body and the mind. You replay the last moments, the unanswered messages, the things you would have said if you’d known. That ache for closure is a very human reflex; our brains crave a neat ending, but grief rarely offers one. Healing begins when we stop searching for the perfect goodbye and instead create new ways to honour what was left unsaid: write them a letter, light a candle, speak their name, breathe their memory into the present. These small rituals help the nervous system process what the heart can’t yet explain. It’s not about letting go — it’s about finding peace in the unfinished.

1% Carcass 99% Energy

In scientific terms, the human body comprises roughly 1% solid carcass—the bones, muscles, and tissues we physically recognise—and about 99% matter in the form of energy, water, and microscopic particles that flow through and compose our biological functions. When grieving, it is comforting to remember that although the tangible form passes, the complex interplay of atoms and molecules that once made up that person continues to exist, dispersing back into the world in different forms. This perspective honours the enduring presence of matter and energy, reminding us that loss transforms rather than erases, weaving our loved ones into the ongoing fabric of life.

What Grief Can Look Like Emotionally

Sometimes it’s sharp, overwhelming, and unpredictable — like waves that crash when you least expect them.

Other times, it’s quiet. A dull, heavy background hum that colours everything but doesn’t shout.

You might swing between numbness and emotion. One day you’re crying, the next you feel strangely fine — and then it hits you again. That’s normal. Grief doesn’t move in straight lines; it loops, fades, and resurfaces in unexpected moments.

You might also feel guilt for moments of joy, or fear that feeling better means forgetting. It doesn’t. Healing isn’t replacing — it’s remembering with less pain attached.

Ways to Support Yourself Through It

There’s no shortcut, but there are small things that help the body and mind start to integrate what’s happened.

1. Rest often, even if you can’t sleep

Grief drains energy. Resting — lying down, listening to calm sounds, or simply being still — helps regulate your nervous system, even when your mind is restless.

2. Eat gently

Your appetite may fluctuate, but nourishment matters. Warm, simple foods like soups, porridge, or tea can soothe the nervous system and replenish depleted energy.

3. Move softly

Walks, stretching, or slow yoga encourage circulation and help release tension in the muscles that tighten under grief. Even a few minutes of gentle movement reminds your body it’s still safe to exist.

4. Let emotions have form

Crying, writing, speaking aloud, or even creating something physical (gardening, painting, cooking) gives shape to feelings that otherwise stay trapped. Suppression keeps the nervous system locked in a loop; expression allows release.

5. Stay connected

Grief isolates. But presence — not advice, just presence — heals. Being near people, even in silence, helps calm the stress response and re-teaches the body safety through connection.

6. Rituals matter

Lighting a candle, playing a song, visiting a place, or saying their name aloud gives the loss somewhere to live. Rituals help the brain move from shock to integration.

When Grief Feels Endless

If the sadness never lifts or turns into a deep numbness that lasts months, it might be prolonged grief — where the body and brain struggle to recalibrate. Therapists trained in grief or somatic therapy can help release stored emotion from the body and restore a sense of stability.

There’s no weakness in seeking support — it’s a sign of deep respect for your own humanity.

How People Can Help or Hinder

During the grieving process, the words people choose can significantly impact your emotional journey. Supportive and empathetic comments can provide comfort, helping you feel less isolated and offering a sense of understanding and validation. Conversely, insensitive or dismissive remarks can exacerbate feelings of hurt and loneliness, making the pain harder to bear. Even well-meaning but thoughtless phrases can unintentionally undermine your experience, highlighting the importance of mindful communication when someone is navigating loss. When someone hurts you or makes insensitive comments, It’s important to express how these words affect you gently but clearly, by saying something like, “I know you mean well, but when you say that, it makes me feel unheard and more alone in my grief.” By acknowledging your feelings openly, you invite compassion and create space for more supportive conversations.

Additionally, consider the intent behind their words—was it thoughtlessness or malice? Offering an honest but gentle correction can be a way of fostering empathy and growth for both of you. Ultimately, responding in a way that honours your feelings and encourages respectful communication supports your self-care and personal growth journey, ultimately protecting your emotional wellbeing is the priority.

Tiny Science

• Tears contain natural stress hormones and endorphins — crying helps the body regulate.

• Touch releases oxytocin, which counteracts the effects of grief hormones and helps restore calm.

• Nature has measurable effects on the parasympathetic system — walking outside lowers cortisol and heart rate.

• Music synchronises the emotional and memory centres of the brain, helping integrate loss.

Gentle Reminders

Grief is the echo of love — it exists because something mattered.

You’re not broken; you’re adjusting to life without a piece that used to fit perfectly.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means remembering with softness, letting the love remain while the pain reshapes itself into something you can hold.

Real Talk

There’s no right timeline.

No single way to do this.

But your body knows how to heal, and your heart knows how to remember.

Take your time. Breathe often. Let yourself laugh when it comes, cry when it hits, and rest when you need.

Grief is just love, learning its new shape.

Love from Fallon, with intention xox

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